Diagnosis Diary
by Zadien
Summary: Drabble! I don’t understand Kai in the slightest and tomorrow is the sponsored walk our school has organized and I just know I’m going to spend the whole afternoon watching him. I’m getting sunglasses so that no one knows where my eyes are looking.
1. Head Ache

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own Beyblade or Miyami, that's **Porcelain Blue**. Amber is mine. However I must urge you to read Porcelain Blue's the little mistakes we make before reading this as this will make more sense then! So **PorcelainBlue **on fanfiction dot net slash wavey thing **Porcelain Blue**.

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**Diagnosis Diary**

**By: **Zadien

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_Ok, ok I know. This is supposed to be a symptom diary to figure out what causes those headaches I get oh-so-regularly but let's face it, we all know that you –the doctor dude- are going to declare my enormous intake of coffee as the problem. Though this is possibly true, I'm not denying myself the great taste of Ollie's coffee to avoid a few nasty headaches. But, but! You did say to write down my feelings and emotions and whatever else I think may be pertinent to finding out the cause of my pain._

_I believe personally that my pain is caused by that insufferable fiend that lives at the bottom of the street but since that's not very scientific and since he has declared himself as the pain in my ass- no wait I'm the pain in his ass… _

_Actually since I'm the pain in his ass then it's only logical to assume that he's the pain in my head, the similarities being: that I think with my head and he thinks with his butt. He would think with the other part if he actually had one… and yeah I have a funny feeling that I'm going to have to write a new 'real' symptom diary because I'm not really going to be able to show you this one._

_But since I like this idea of writing down my thoughts, I'll leave you to your coffee idea and totally disregard your advice in favor of my own diagnosis. Kai Nicolai Hiwatari is the big friggin' pain in my head! It's the only common denominator –besides coffee- that I encounter every single day. Well him and Miyami but she's the cure! They share similarities, being related and al,l but she's nice and fun and oh-so-not self-centered, though she completely believes that's what everyone is thinking about her right now, stupid Johnny McGregor and her crush on him. _

_Meh…none of that makes sense so I'll try to sort out my thoughts logically. My history teacher is always complaining about my lack of structure but I don't think structurally, I just think as things come to me. Anyway first things first, Miyami and her crush on Johnny McGregor. And yeah, I know, I've mentioned this before, but being dragged around the school in the hopes of randomly bumping into him is sort of the reason why I could have so many headaches. I mean seriously, as soon as I enter the school building, this glint comes into her eyes and it's like 'Johnny-dar!' Kind of like a gay-dar but locked solely onto Johnny McGregor. Honestly, I'm kind of glad she likes a guy who's nice and sound although a bit of a prat from time to time and a class clown, he's not that bad. I've talked to him once or twice but never for long but he's funny and good looking- for a red head. And he notices her, which is so much better than not getting noticed. _

_Yeah, my current problem. Something I'm never going to discuss with you doctor so I'll invest in a new symptom diary, one with actual logical symptoms such as coffee, chocolate, late nights, too much Playstation and hits to the head. _

_So Johnny, Miyami's love of the… god actually she's liked him for ages now. I think he might have possibly been just a gawk--guy but then he developed personality and they started chatting and now it's full blown infatuation. How come girls like us get infatuated so easily but guys never get infatuated with us? That's so NOT fair! That should be a mandatory right or something. If we have to heavily lust after guys –and seriously, a couple of years is a long time to crush on a guy, if we were in a relationship we'd be so totally married!- why can't they do the decent thing and like us back? _

_At least Miyami's made more progress than I ever have. The guy I like still thinks of me as a baby! Yeah and I'm so not going into it. He's an A-hole! Johnny at least invited Miyami to lunch with him and his friends. I could get an invite to lunch with _him_ –not Johnny, my guy!- but he wouldn't be the one that invited me. Nah, that would probably be his best friend or my cousin, who all seem to be friends with my crush. Why can we have the same friends but dislike each other so much? And yeah I dislike him despite being heavily infatuated with him. I'm complex like that. _

_He's a prick but he's got some really nice qualities such as caring for his family even if he's gruff about it. And he's really quite smart and I've heard that he has a good sense of humor but I've never seen this up close. Then there's the fact that he's got a nice face and nice shoulders… god he's got _really_ nice shoulders… and his hands; I really like his hands… and his smile; he's got the most gorgeous, melt you on the spot, smile (not that anyone sees it that much which makes it all the more precious) and- Oh god shoot me now!! I told Miyami she has my permission to shoot me if I ever develop a crush on _him_. Hence why you, Doctor Dude, are never going to read this. My sanity and life depend on it. Fuck it. I'm probably going to rip this page out and burn it as soon as I've finished writing this. _

_Back to Miyami, the source of my current concern. So Johnny McGregor- yeah definitely going to have to burn this because I didn't even have the sense to use code names so if anyone finds this, Miyami's going to shoot me without my permission- asked her to sit with him and his friends at lunch earlier this week which was like a dream come true for her. And she goes and has a great time, -I got a two hour play-by-play on what everyone said and how they like to eat their pizza etc… really I don't need to know that Hiwatari takes a salt and pepper dip with his fries, especially since I damn well came up with that and showed it to him, that damn stupid copy cat moron! Yes, I stole it from Gilmore Girls but he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, I'm a gourmet friggin' genius like my mom. See I'd totally make a good girlfriend- I can't believe I even thought that. Miyami is totally rubbing off on me! I'm going to need a shower and good scrub with a hard bristled brush!_

_So yeah, moving on to more important things, like denying myself coffee for the foreseeable future or until the summer when McGregor carts his ass off to Scotland or wherever the hell he spends his holidays. I'm sure Miyami's told me but I'm betting I was involved in a glaring challenge with Hiwatari at the time. It's the only time I don't completely focus on listening to her._

_Actually despite how antagonistic and unfeeling I come off in this I do love Miyami and I do listen to her. Seriously she's like one of the funniest people to listen to, especially when she's ranting and going completely melodramatic. Why? Because it's trés entertaining and no one puts things the way she does. She describes Friday as a complete and utter train wreck bordering on scene! Yeah, I had to ask for translation on that. It's some kind of emo thing and yeah, she's kind of acting emo but her romantic life with Johnny and their two point four kids and castle in Scotland may have withered and died with her heart!! This is a supremely big deal. I was living out my romantic life through her. If we have to have infatuations on guys who barely notice our existences, one of us should at least be liked back so I was living vicariously through her. _

HE _is never going to notice me in that way. The only way he notices me is if I stand too near his car and he freaks thinking I'm about to key it. I've never keyed his car once, I only sent my cousin to do it once or twice. She never did, she just came close. She freaked when she saw his grandfather come out of the house. I would have called her a wimp but his grandfather scares me too. Yet another reason why me and _him_ would never work. His grandfather would _never_ accept me even if _he_ did. Actually I don't think I'd care what his grandfather thought if _he_ liked me. Jerk._

_Anyways back to Miyami. See I'm so totally not structured. I have to write a list of things and then number it. But never mind, so yesterday, Miyami's leaving class and she bumps into –you guessed it- our very own Braveheart. Which is very bizarre since he's not supposed to be in that building at that time or so she tells me. She has memorized his schedule!! That's way worse than me and _him_. I only know what classes I'm due to bump into _him _and that's simply so I can time it and avoid him… or that was the reason before. Now I kind of like seeing him and sometimes I catch myself wondering what he thinks of me when he sees me with my friends. I know it's sad but I'm a teenager and I'm allowed some sadness and melodrama in my life. _

_Like I was saying before I got wrapped up in my own life. I'm definitely the self-centered one of our group. Miyami seemingly got all wrapped up in the fact that he's leaving early for his holidays and blurted out the first thing to occur to her and it went something like 'I'm broke. Feed me.' I know she told me the exact words but when she was telling me the story _he_ decided he needed to wash his car half _naked!!_ And so I naturally lost my ability to absorb anything but the fact that _he_ is incredibly well built. Anyway, whatever she said, it came out all ungrateful like and now she's locked in her bedroom wallowing in complete mortification and refuses to leave her house. _

_Hence the fact that I can no longer have coffee because she point blank refuses to go to Ollie's which means I'm going to have to go in there on my own and suffer abuse from _him_ and his posse while she stays out in the alley way. Unless we decide to don some Marilyn Monroe-esque spy gear, you know white silk scarves and black sunglasses and lure Oliver into smuggling coffee out to us in the alley. That or I could try bribing her with mom's mocha pancakes however if she declines I'll end up forcing them on her since I can't exactly tell mom I'm not as fanatical about them as she thinks. I mean they're nice in small doses but way too rich for my taste. –Yet another reason I have to burn this diary- I just happen to like my coffee in its purest milkiest form, not all mixed up with pancakes._

_So Miyami's avoiding all places that Johnny may frequent since she doesn't want him to think she's this ungrateful user who just uses people –I think she prefers the term mooch but that's unfair since she's doing me this whole big favor by eating mum's pancakes (see it is handy to have a stomach lined with lead) and she always repays me in kind with music and fashiony stuff so we have a… oh what's the term, mutual beneficial relationship will do. It wasn't the term I was thinking of but it basically means I can use her and she can use me and we're both happy. _

_See if Johnny only knew her better, he would know that she'd use him for pizza (and more importantly his company) and he could use her for whatever he wanted as long as it wasn't _too_ perverted. It's sad though that he might just push her away because of a misunderstanding. I mean Enrique demands to be fed every so often and we don't take offence. It's just his way of saying 'Look After me'. _

_Though at the moment Enrique and I are NOT on speaking terms! During H.E. we had a free period because the teacher lady didn't show up which was great. We sat and messed about and everything was fine but little did we realize that Hiwatari's class was next door. Which they shouldn't be. I happen to know that _he_ does not ever be in that classroom on Fridays but they were yesterday, stupid teacher moving. And so we, being totally oblivious continued to crack jokes and make noise. Everything was fine and dandy until the door that links the two rooms together burst open and there's Mrs (dunno her name) standing in the doorway, chest heaving and eyes narrowed just as I plowed my elbow into Enrique's midsection with this audible groan leaving his lips. And she zero's right onto me and tells me to get up and come into her room where she can keep an eye on me. This was embarrassing enough but to find out I was in _his _class! Talk about mortifying! So I had to sit in the front with my head down and all the while Hiwatari was just sitting in the back row amongst his friends and followers with this smug smirk on his face. I could physically feel his eyes on me! God I was ready to rip that woman's head off. _

_And then Hiwatari's friends and followers begin to make snide comments and _he_'s watching me as if challenging me to tell them to shut up, which I do and rather scathingly I might add and the teacher tells me to stop talking and threatens that if I say another 'peep' (yeah she said peep) that she'll send me to the principals office! So naturally I kept my head down and blocked out their stupid comments. Ugh so unfair!!_

_See this is why I get headaches!! All this tension and stress! If I had a boyfriend, I'd never have this problem. OK, I would but I could take it all out on him. Somehow I have a funny feeling I'd be a violent girlfriend, maybe that's why I don't have one…Ugh this diary sucks! Miyami's such a better sounding board! At least she makes me feel better. _

_Right I'm away to burn this without mom catching me. Adios evil diary of doomitude! _

_PS: Miyami just phoned; she has a headache too! Sympathy pains, what better type of friend could you ask for!_

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_**Hehe, this was fun. I wrote this when Tari sent me an email with her drabble in it and felt inspired to write Amber's version. So this is it. Please enjoy this and review both as they're a pair. Miyami and Amber forever... who needs boys? **


	2. Heart Ache

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own Miyami or Aspin, they belong to Porcelain Blue and Fayeth respectively. I also don't own Beyblade. If I did, Kai wouldn't be so emotionally retarded but I say that only because I'm channelling a depressed Amber. _

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**A.N.** _This chapter corresponds to chapter two of Porcelain Blue's, TLMWM. Actually I really enjoy this writing stuff since it's so much fun and so little pressure and through it I'm gaining some inspiration for SLTS which is great. So anyways, this chapter is a little more angsty but still gets the approval from Tari so please enjoy. _

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Chapter Two: Moods

Mood today: Um… hurt, numb. Dunno. Resigned I guess and a little hopeless.

Today was a pretty basic day, nothing out of the ordinary happened bar the fact that GWHS decided to half the school day which was great. So we all got out of school early. It was nice for a change to just have some free time to myself and I planned to spend it with Miyami but she had plans. And while usually I'd just insert myself into the picture and tag along, these plans involved Johnny and I don't want to intrude on that. She likes him so much. It scares me. It scares her too I think. More scares her because she doesn't know how he feels for her. And it's no wonder either since the guy is a flirt. He winks at her, hugs her, generally gets as touchy feely as he likes with her without crossing any of the lines.

I don't like him.

No, don't get me wrong. I don't dislike him, per se, but I just don't like him right now. I don't like very many people at this exact moment but I have a reason for disliking Johnny and Miyami knows I dislike him too. I told her at lunch today and she was cool with it. It's not like I have to love him too, though it might make her life easier if they do date.

But, meh, I just dislike the way he plays with her. She's not a toy. She's not something he can just pick up to amuse himself and then set her back down when he's through.

He knows I don't like him too. Punching him was a pretty big indicator and I stood on his feet a couple of times too, not my fault, he just has big feet. (This may be why I haven't been getting as many headaches lately –an outlet for my frustration maybe?- until today at any rate…)

Anyways…

I don't like the way he hurts her. He may not see it but I do. I get to listen to her at all hours talking about how much she 'hearts' him-she refuses to call it love, I don't blame her- and she gushes about him constantly and it's cute. She's completely adorable when she's in this phase of a relationship. All hearts and flowers but he is so hard to gauge. Sometimes he's all over friendly with her, inviting her to lunch, making sure she feels incorporated with his friends and treating her like a princess in certain ways but he doesn't ask her out or imply that he likes her any more than a friend even though he doesn't treat her like a friend.

I've seen him around other female friends and he so doesn't act the same way. With Miyami there's like this part of him that seems to just brighten in her presence but he's trying so hard to act all cool about it. Then again I could be totally wrong so maybe I shouldn't be encouraging her to tell him about her feelings.

Or, maybe he pushes her away because Kai would kick his ass. It's surprising but Kai is an incredibly overprotective cousin. That's probably the only likeable part of him.

Oh ignore that. I'm just supremely bitter today. I guess seeing and hearing Miyami talk about the four hours she spent in Johnny's company when he '_didn't leave her side the entire time_' has just reminded me of how hopeless things with my crush are. Let's face it; _he_ never even looks at me twice unless I've done something stupid. _He_ never speaks to me unless it's to say something scathing and witty that amuses his friends. _He_ can pass me in the hall without even touching me, not even a mere brush of our bodies. _He_ can enter a room and not even notice me until I do something that draws attention and because of that, I find myself drawing more attention to myself so that he will look at me. Just one glimpse makes me sky high and why? It doesn't mean a damn thing.

Kai Hiwatari will never like me.

And why should he? I'm not tall, I'm petite and I'm not slim anymore but average. I don't have breasts, just tiny lumps –why I bother with a bra is beyond me! Such a waste of money. I'm not clever; I'm just quick on my feet. I'm not beautiful, I'm just… Tala says I'm pretty but he's biased and Mystel from my maths class said I'm cute; -I blushed and told him to shut up. Hiwatari snickered. Yeah, not pretty. I'm… the most average girl in school and next to Miyami and Aspin I fade into the background.

I mean Miyami's all flamboyant and she's like this miniature sun in human form, she just attracts people and she's artistic. Aspin's mysterious with this feisty temper that has Kane going gaga and she's really quite smart. Sonia's sweet and beautiful –she just has this all American sweetheart face with the most striking hair combo- and she's intelligent and athletic. She's just got some trust issues and a little insecurity problem but those can be overlooked; guys like to take care of girls anyway. It goes back to the caveman days or something.

I just don't really measure up. In fact this never bothered me before. It wasn't until I really started to notice how hung upI was on Kai and what he thought, that I really began to notice these things. I'm so not the type of girl he'd date. If he flirted with me I'd probably become frigid in a heartbeat. Seriously, I just don't flirt back. I clam up and just resort to the tried and true method of acting like one of the guys.

Some random guy came up and said I looked really good the other day in the corridor while I stood with Miyami waiting for Johnny to come so she could walk around the corner and pretend to bump into him and the next thing I know, he says 'you're looking really good today'. I stared at him as though he'd grown a second head, told him thanks in a totally ungrateful 'yeah thanks, you weirdo' tone and sidled off to find Tala.

I just hurt deep inside, like something's broken. Why can't Kai even show an interest in what I do or what I think? The one time he noticed me –and can I point out that he talks to Miyami while I'm there and doesn't even notice I exist. Seriously. Last summer during the rainstorm, Miyami and I were standing at the bus stop under our umbrellas and he walks up and ducks under hers and starts talking about how shitty the weather is and how did she like the meal at Voltaire's –his grandfather- and something about his car and it was like I was Casper! Invisible to everyone but Mimi! This hurts! It really does.

I punched Johnny the other day while Kai was standing there and he said: 'Benson, get a life' and he didn't even look at me when he said it, just gazed into the distance as if I didn't even warrant his attention. He calls me Benson too even though I've known him forever! He only ever acknowledges me when I bring myself to his attention, if I didn't, he probably wouldn't even notice I'm there.

The one time he acknowledged me first was during the family reunion shindig which he was invited as a friend of Bryan's and he was drunk, naturally. I just pretended to ignore him while sneaking peeks at him but I was completely casual about it. And then at the end of the night, after not coming near me once, I had to pass him on the way out of the building. Tyson and Miyami were there because Hitoshi was offering us a lift home and just as I was going out the door, this hand clamps on my shoulder and I turn thinking he meant to grab Mimi and he's like: "Where are you going?"

And me, in my typical dumbass idiotism looked around, certain he was talking to Mimi and when I noticed she was kind of just standing there looking at me, I realized he was talking to me and so I said: "Say what?"

And Miyami thinks she's got it bad for blurting out stupid things! Oh no, I so beat her!

So he repeats in his half drunken slur (which is actually very nice to listen to, kind of sexy –and god I can't believe I wrote that but whatever) "Where are you going?"

And so I said… "Where do you think I'm going? I'm going home, moron." Yeah I take the biscuit, right?

"But you can't go home yet."

Yes, this is what he says. It's after two in the morning, Dad has broken out into a version of the Black Velvet Band which was the sound track to this momentous occasion. My uncle Seth's trying to drag my aunty Aubrey into a dark secluded corner, Nana's doing the jitterbug with the local clergy man from god knows where, probably some distant relative that came out of the woodwork for the free booze. My cousin Steph has decided now is a good time to clobber Seanín Óg for stealing her vodka and the real culprit Daichi is sharing the bottle of liqueur with his underage friends.

And Kai's telling me I can't go home? If I didn't go home, I'd end up on charges for manslaughter, I mean how would you feel if you heard your father singing this while drunk: _Her eyes they shined like diamonds/ I thought her the queen of the land/ And her hair hung over her shoulders/ Tied up with a black velvet band. _

And what's worse was that he was singing it to Pricilla Hiwatari, Dad's new flavour of the month. Blah! It was way past time to go by my reckoning.

So anyway, I'm completely shellshocked –this being the longest Kai's ever talked to me, Tala is smirking and I realize that Tala can probably read me like a damn book which makes it a good thing Kai can't see straight- (he probably thought I was someone else.)

So I say: "Uh, yeah I can and I am. See ya later, Hiwatari." And with that, I turn and walk away wondering what the fuck is up with Hiwatari and silently wondering if he was looking at my ass. (I'm getting a padlock for this, can't have anyone reading this, too embarrassing, plus if Miyami knew she'd forever badger me about my stupid crush on a guy who doesn't even know I exist.)

Miyami's right, this does make me feel better but doesn't solve the headache thing. I'll figure that out eventually. Ugh, I just wish Kai would do something. I can't live with this much longer –though I will, I'd rather not be humiliated thanks- but at least now I have a constructive outlet for all this stuff building up inside me. I can't really tell Miyami because she's his cousin but the amount of times I've almost blabbed, heh.

sigh I have to do something. This is making me ill.

EDIT: I can now drink coffee once more since the whole thing with Miyami and Johnn and the big faux pas is completely OVER! Thank God! Even the idea of not going to Olli's was killing me. Well I did tell her she was being overdramatic. You'd think at this stage in our friendship she'd listen to me. I know these things. But that's neither here nor there, I'm totally right and coffee is completely good.


	3. Stomach Ache

**Disclaimer**: _Same as usual. Don't own Beyblade, don't own Mimi and I don't own Aspin._

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Stomach Ache

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Why does Tala have to be friends with him for? My life would be so much easier if Tala wasn't friends with him. If Bryan wasn't friends with him everything would be dandy. I wouldn't even know much about Kai bar the fact that he's Miyami's cousin. But the fact that everyone close to me is somehow linked to him just irritates me. How am I supposed to go cold turkey if I can't escape him? Today was going good, he wasn't even in school and I didn't even ask why he wasn't there. Go me. I have self restraint! Yeah and it lasted like five minutes since I listened in to every conversation in the hopes of finding out where he was and…

Oh yeah, Miyami knows.

I don't know how she knows and I'm pretty sure that she doesn't know that I know that she knows but I know. How do I know? Well we were just sitting casually on the quad looking at the supposed 'cool' people and mocking them and she just leans over and says "Kai's at the dentist." I hate her. Why does she have to be so intuitive? And my reaction was to blush and tell her that I didn't care but I didn't really carry off the nonchalant attitude that I was aiming for. Sometimes I hate myself, I really do.

It's ok for her, she's got a chance with Johnny and if she did say to him that she liked him as more than a friend, I doubt he'd react badly even if he didn't feel the same though there's enough evidence to suggest that he does. I mean he hangs out with her, pays attention to her, phones her, invites her to hang out with his friends, that's something a guy does when he wants to impress a girl. And even if he doesn't like her, by spending so much time with her he's bound to get to know her better and realize how fantastic she is.

I, on the other hand, am stuck with a thick as a bloody plank Russian stone who probably doesn't even know a thing about me besides the fact that I'm his cousin's best friend and Tala and Bryan's little sister figure. So if I did go up to him out of the blue and declare my undying affection for him, he'd probably just gape at me as if I were crazy. And I am. I don't even know him that well and what I do know is second hand information. How does that even justify having a crush? If someone asked me why I liked him would I even have a decent response other than: '_he has a nice smile_'?

Ugh, I'm just so utterly hopeless! Kai is completely oblivious to my feelings for him and he has done nothing to encourage them, heck he doesn't even look at me. The one time we were involved in the same conversation –it was for English and we had to discuss a novel in pairs- he wouldn't even look me in the eye. (Bar that whole reunion thing, he was drunk so it doesn't count.)

At least Miyami's completely justified in her reasons for liking Johnny. He is leading her on, jerk! He genuinely likes being around her, or just likes her attention but nevertheless he gives her some hope. What does Kai do?

The thing is I really wouldn't be that upset if I hadn't seen him. He wasn't at school and I went to Tala's house instead of straight home so I shouldn't have seen him at all but oh no, fate conspires against me as per frickin' usual!!

I'll explain in more coherent terms. Bear with me; I'm hiding in Tala's room hoping to spew all this unnecessary heartache out onto this page in the hopes of unravelling these constricting bands around my chest.

Time: 4.00.

Location: Tala's house.

I decided at lunch to spend some quality time with my childhood pal since we barely have time anymore bar going to the movies every second Saturday. It's just that high school is so demanding and we have different friends and it's easier to just see each other outside school so I headed to his house after classes were over for a quick game of Lego Star Wars.

And everything was going great until Tala remembered he had a class project to work on so he left me with his Playstation® (mine having broke over the weekend due to Daichi's dumb bottle of coke) and that was fine. I shoved in my Final Fantasy 12 game and began to try to stop the war from taking over my little country and everything was going fine until I found out that all the refugees from the war had been attacked unfairly by the greater imperial army and I got kind of upset because they were under my protection and it was my fault they were attacked. Ok, so it wasn't really _my_ fault and I know it's a game but I get wrapped up, ok? So I'm sitting in Tala's bedroom shouting all sorts of imaginative threats at the bad guys on the TV screen when all of a sudden the door opens and I don't bother to look up thinking it's Tala and he's seen this all before. Only it wasn't. Tala that is. It was Kai. Yeah. Here's how it went:

Me: 'You chicken livered bastards, thinking you can come up this mountain and attack my people, well you've got another thing coming you yellow bellied pigs. Time for me to unleash my baby on you, oh yeah! Go Mateus, let's freeze these little fuckers.' (By the way, Mateus is a ice creature that you summon and he really rocks only he's kind of in a woman's body and that's more information than anyone actually needs. Ok.)

Kai: "Where's Tala?"

See, no preliminaries, no 'are you quite alright?' nothing. He didn't even seem phased by my apparent psychoticness. The fact that I might have multiple personalities doesn't bother him in the slightest. But of course, I blushed and then got mad at myself for blushing and then took it out on him for making me blush in the first place.

Me: "I don't know; do I look like I'm his keeper? I'm busy!"

Kai: "Hn."

And so he goes to leave and I can't even think of one good reason to keep him there other than: Me: "Hey, what do you think of Johnny McGregor?"

Yeah I know. Miyami's going to kill me. She's going to really kill me and quite frankly part of me is rejoicing that fate since if she does kill me, then I won't have to live with this stupid idiotic crush on the stupid feckin' eejit! Why won't he notice me? I'm a girl! I have girl parts! Granted they're not the most obvious girl parts but they're there!

Kai: "Why?" (That's not even a damn answer for crying out loud. He just immediately jumped into suspicious overprotective cousin and it's like I'm here, I'm breathing but he's not even seeing me! I have got to get over him. Maybe I should find another boy worth dating or at least someone to crush on. There's plenty of better looking, more social boys out there. What's so special about _him?_)

Me: "No reason. Tala's probably down in the kitchen."

Kai: "Hn."

And he opens the door to leave and by this stage I'm in full out combat (it's better than beaning him with a pillow or hitting myself) with the Judges who attacked the poor refugees, only for him to pause and I know he paused because I felt the charge in the air. How sad is that?

"By the way, good graphics."

WTF?! I mean how random is that? Good graphics? Of course the graphics are good, they're supposed to be good though I'd also say they're not the best but whatever, it just wasn't something Kai did, you know, commenting on something that doesn't involve him.

And then he adds: "Miyami and Johnny aren't dating are they?"

And it's on the tip of my tongue to say something about Miyami wishing they were but I hold it, still friggin' startled by the fact that he's initiating a conversation with me even if it is to wheedle out information about his cousin's love life. And instead I say: "No, I was just curious. He seems decent enough."

"Right. You'd tell me if they were dating though, right?"

At this point I pretty much forgot what I was doing to just stare blindly at the screen, (at least I didn't stare at him) and all the while I was thinking '_what the hell does he mean by that?'_ Does it mean that he does know I have a crush on him? Or was he trying to be sort of flirtatious by hinting that I could talk to him about things or what? Kai doesn't flirt. Not with me at any rate so he probably was being genuine in asking that but still, the undertones people, the undertones. And I'm not talking about the band either.

But I'm in enough trouble with Miyami if she ever finds out about this so I simply just smiled at him in an apologetic manner and shook my head. "Sorry, sisterly loyalty and all."

WTF?!

Oh god, even reading that makes me cringe. Why in blue blazes did I use the word sister in referring to Miyami? Yes, she's about the closest thing I have to one but my god, Kai is her COUSIN!! If I think of her as my sister, then will he now think that I think of him as my cousin? And how terrible would that be if he really did like me and was just testing out the water and… OH GOD!! Life is just not fair!! I… God I really hate myself today. In future I'm not going to speak when Hiwatari's around and I'm just going to refer to him as Hiwatari and he's not even going to be anything remotely approachable and things will go back to the way they were and everything will be good. It was only when I began to see him as Kai and not the evil cold Hiwatari heir that things changed.

Miyami knows something's up. I don't know how she can tell by a text message but now she's bugging me with 'what's wrong?' messages. I swear she's got a template to stop herself from wasting time typing the words. Then again, maybe not. At least with Mimi she just tells you what's bothering her, and usually in lengthy melodramatic prose but with me, I'd rather bottle it up. No wonder I'm sick. Maybe I should cut down on coffee, stop myself getting so many head-

* * *

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Oh my god! Hiwatari almost read this!! Seriously! He and Tala just walked in to find something or other for them to do and Tala looks at the book and says that it's a little too nice for a homework copy and I told him it was a diagnosis diary and Kai asked if I was sick. He sounded a little dubious rather than concerned. And I just said that I was suffering from some bad headaches and he asked to look (not in a concerned way, more of, let me see if I know what's wrong since I'm so damn smart and brilliant kind of way) and I froze. It wasn't until his fingers brushed the edges that I scooted back and hugged it to my chest earning a weird look from both boys.

At this point I decided to head home. It wasn't like Tala was going to pay anymore attention to me and I was sick and tired of making a fool of myself in front of Kai so I gave them some weak excuse about having homework to do. So now I'm at home, Miyami is in the bathroom singing something or other and Mum is cooking something that smells divine. I'm still no closer to discovering how Kai feels about me but I'm thinking that this isn't me, I don't act like this over boys. And why should I? He's not the be all and end all and all of this worrying is making my tummy ache.

Or maybe I'm just hungry. I've decided that maybe I should just talk to Mimi. The worst thing she could possibly do is tell Kai but if I ask her to and threaten her with Johnny then she'll leave it and she knows him better than anyone, maybe better than he knows himself so maybe she'd have some good ideas for me. Or at least some advice to keep me from going bonkers. I don't even know if I like him as a person or just as eye candy? This part really bugs me. Am I shallow? Even the thought makes me shudder.

Mums calling. I'll write again soon. Oh Miyami says Johnny knows what her favourite smoothie flavour is. That's kind of important isn't it? That he notices things like that? Kai probably couldn't tell you what my name is. And Aspin wants to go dancing. I'm resigned to the fact that life hates me right now.

Ok I'm going.

Mood: Apprehensive and slightly nauseous. Being a teenager sucks.

P.S. I'll just write this quickly. Mum is on the phone to dad. She just caught me trying to burn this page and now she thinks I'm a pyromaniac. I really should have waited until she went to work but after that scare with Hiwatari, I really couldn't just wait. So now she thinks I may need a therapist. She has no idea how right she is. Stupid Kai Nicolai Hiwatari! Why can't you just notice me?!

P.P.S. I really need to burn this. Aspin just called to ask why Miyami's always writing in her book whenever she's with us. If Miyami's not careful, I think Aspin might try to destroy this book so that Miyami will pay attention to her again. God young love…

In case this is ever, I mean _ever_, read by someone who shouldn't read this. Aspin is not a lesbian and she likes boys, or a boy but I can't write his name down, but the initials are KS and he's not a girl… And even if you were a random stranger this would mean nothing to you. Yep, definitely need to burn this.

Must warn Miyami about the death and destruction her diary will be facing very soon.

Don't worry Diagnosis Diary besides the burning you are perfectly safe because you're here for medical matters. Must buy real, real diary and stop using this one. Doctor Appointment due very, very soon.

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_**A.N. **OMG!! It's the last day of my course so I won't have the internet as much as usual so this is my last post for a while. I'm so sorry to those who wanted to read SLTS soon but I'm really, really not feeling it. But I hope you enjoy this at any rate, just another look into the complex mind of Amber Benson and her feelings for the mysterious Kai. ._


	4. Head Ache, Again

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Beyblade and the idea of the drabbles came from Tari.

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Diagnosis Diary- Headache, Again

So my doctors appointment has been cancelled due to the doctor going on holiday which isn't that surprising, he tends to do that quite a lot. To say I'm pleased isn't exactly true. While I'm happy that I don't have to see him and hear any bad news –I don't want to die young from something like a brain tumor- I'm also scared of not knowing what's wrong. At least if I go to him and he tells me nothing's wrong, well… actually that would be pretty shitty because then I'd be stuck with these headaches forever. Not at all fun. But if I got told I had something serious wrong with me, what would I do then? Hmm, if I was told I only had a few days to live I'd kiss Kai Hiwatari right on the mouth.

Yeah right.

I'd want to do it and then I'd lose my courage once I got near him. Plus he has friends who just smirk at me and I know they know that I like him. It also doesn't help that Tala is close to figuring things out. He invited me to hang out with them the other day and I said no. Miyami nearly clobbered me for doing that when I told her. Of course it was too late by then but she says that I have to talk to him otherwise he's never going to figure it out. Kai's pretty oblivious to girls. Even on V-day he's completely baffled and irritated when he gets little cards and hearts and stuff in his locker. As far as I know, he throws it all in the bin. So far I can say that I've had the self restraint not to send him anything, mainly because I'm chicken.

Yeah I'm a big fat chicken. I'm quite happy to wax lyrical about how much I like him without him having a clue and then complain to the nearest listener about how he doesn't notice me. The thing is, with me, I need the guy to make the first move. It sounds stupid but I just don't have the confidence to do anything myself. And if they did make the move, I'd be suspicious. Weird. I know.

Miyami's more self assured than I am. She has no problem talking to boys she likes and she can twist nearly all of them around her tiny little finger with the greatest of ease. I on the other hand seem to attract boys without an actual clue how. And they're usually guys I don't want. Like Ian. Ian and I had this great thing where I beat him up and pranked him daily and vice versa and then suddenly out of the blue people started hinting about the two of us and then one day he just asks me out… I completely freaked. Seriously. I don't like Ian like that. And now he hates me but it's not the type of hate where he actually does anything, oh no, this hate consists of him ignoring me like his life depends on it.

It's happened with other guys too. Miyami says that when I'm myself, guys can't help but falling for me. I use the age old excuse that if you're around someone long enough, you end up loving them. I love my family because I'm around them daily; I love Miyami because we're together constantly. I love Tala because we've known each other since forever and while we have little in common, we still love each other. I love my other friends too, I can't help that. So my idea makes sense, but it doesn't necessarily relate to that romantic sort of love.

So anyway, Miyami thinks I should spend more time with Kai. I think not. We've never been friends so what reason could I possibly give for just walking up to him some day and talking to him. It would be different maybe if we were strangers but we're really not. We've been aware of each other for most of our lives and if I went up to him out of the blue and started talking to him, he'd know something was up and it would just confirm what the others think. I don't want to be known as the next girl to fall for Kai Hiwatari. Technically, I want to be known as the one Kai fell for. Which is wrong. He shouldn't have to do the chasing but I would rather meet on equal terms. Of course I know that what I want and what I get are two completely different things but a girl can hope, right?

Anyway, Kai's giving me mixed signals again. He completely ignores me as you all know. He doesn't talk to me. He doesn't look at me. He doesn't seem to realize I'm alive. However! Kai was talking to Daichi the other day at Seth's garage and what does he do? He only asks Daichi who I'm seeing at the moment. Why would Kai want to know that and why would he ask Daichi? That's not really something that would just turn up in normal conversation would it? Bear with me for a moment.

-_Hey_

-**Hey, how's it going?**

-_Not so bad. Need something for your car?_

-**Yeah a part Seth ordered**.

-_Ok, I'll go get it. (goes and gets it) Here you go. That's ??.?? dollars_

-**Here you go. So I saw you and Ozuma driving around the town the other night, is that his new car?**

-_Yeah we were leaving Amber into the cinema._

-**She not driving herself?**

-_Here's your change. She hasn't learnt yet, too scared._

-**Ah, so who's she seeing at the moment?**

-_No one, I think. She doesn't really tell me._

-**Ah right. I better get going. See ya later.**

See, that's not a normal conversation. At least that's the jist I got from Daichi who kind of looks up to Kai, always has really. But seriously, is this a normal conversation for boys? My baby cousin versus a guy who doesn't pay much attention to me. As far as I know, he didn't ask about Ozuma or much about Daichi though he might have, Daichi never said. See, there are gaps I'm missing since I wasn't there but to me this sounds a bit odd. I told Miyami and she said that he was probably just making conversation and not to read too much into it. After all he's never really given any me any hints that he feels anything for me, never mind anything romantic.

I need to get over this. I know I keep saying that, but this time I really do. I mean if he really liked me, he'd try to interact with me and talk to me and stuff, right? Dammit, no one wonder I'm ill trying to work out the inner workings of his mind. The only thing I'm glad about is that I have the self restraint not to moon around after him at school, but jeez, something has got to give because sooner or later everyone is going to cop onto why I'm constantly watching him out of the corner of my eye. But I have been subtle, I'll say that, even mom has no clue and mom knows everything and the only reason Miyami knows is because I made it obvious so that I could talk to someone about it. Keeping it to myself started getting irritating.

I don't understand Kai in the slightest and tomorrow is the sponsored walk our school has organized and I just know I'm going to spend the whole afternoon watching him since we're not going to be in class which means two whole hours of being able to see him instead of those moments in between classes and the like. I'm getting sunglasses so that no one knows where my eyes are looking.

Ah I have to go, Miyami is here and is demanding to know what I'm writing about since I look at her diary but… yeah I'm not showing her this. It's too embarrass--

Alright I'm going now. I'll check in later because I can feel a headache brewing.

**Mood**: Depressed and morose, stupid boy!

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**A.N.** Wow, this hasn't been updated in forever but I found this lying on my computer and since I have actually had some run ins with my version of Kai over the summer I figured I might write some more of these because they're fun but I don't want to base a full out story on it. Drabbles are enough for me to deal with at the moment.

Hope you enjoy and please **review**, it's nice to feel appreciated considering how much time I invest in my writing. If you don't review and just add me to your favorites, I feel like a cheap whore who gets used but doesn't get paid :(


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